Memory Stick
March 01, 2012
“A man’s real possession is his memory. In nothing else is he rich, in nothing else is he poor.”—Alexander Smith
The memories stick in my mind like a haunting violin. The memories surge in my heart like a streaming river. It can wash over like a wave: abrupt and unyielding. The impact of memories can be invigorating, inspiring, or devastating. It can be a normal experience which can lead to everlasting regret or wisdom—dependent on the personality of the thinker. Memories that jolt back in the conscious with a joke, photograph, or a simple word. Memories tend to misplace the mind in a vague, but vivid, state of reality versus imaginary. Did it really happen? Did it really happen in the way it was envisioned?
When I have memories, it is for a matter of reasons: boredom, specific events that spark it or to harness some form of wisdom in that moment. I may be capsulated to my elementary school years, and a childhood friend shows up in the scene or a boy I liked smiles at me. Worse, my memory can be unpleasant and still has the ability to make me cringe. Perhaps, that is the part that memories play and why they fuse in our minds so strongly. It is the way we ultimately learn and how we are forced to grow up.
During those formative years, our present is our only reality and truth. It is the reason that something that can be considered trivial is blown up to epic proportions. Because we don’t acknowledge that time will indeed pass and we will make it through even if there are scars and that it will get better: experiences that force regret or wisdom or both. The notion of regret that we should have done something differently; wisdom that we know better than to do it again—at least, not in the same capacity. To not take these experiences and learn from them is the biggest disservice an individual can do to themselves when it comes to growing older.
From personal experience, I have learned: no, doing the same thing again and again will not change the outcome, no, bad decisions do not become bragging rights, and no, not making mistakes will not eventually lead to perfection. As someone who has made my above average share of mistakes, it was necessary I made those mistakes in order to become who I am. In order, to find reflection in what created my memories. Even if there weren’t mistakes I made, the friend or boy that transfixes in my mind, they are put there for a reason. This way I can smile, laugh out loud, or mention it care-freely in a conversation when the memories enter my mind. This way I can say, “It was worth it.”
Destination Found
February 10, 2012
“My friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don’t know
Where I’ve been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado
Sometimes there’s airplanes I can’t jump out
Sometimes there’s bullshit that don’t work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about”
–Good Life, by OneRepublic
A year ago, my travels ended and the new chapter of my life began. A life I wished for, craved for, and was attracted to. I recall writing in my journal in October of last year while on the train home from Beijing. I wrote how much I wanted to be a wife and even how much I wanted to be in a stable, happy relationship. Let’s just say, my dating history has not been the best for me although the lessons I have learned from each of those men and who I was in those relationships, is not lost on me.
The factor of this epiphany could be what brought me home five and half months after my international departure. Yes, I could have been gone longer…much longer if the future I wanted wasn’t looming above me: the decisions I indefinitely had to and wanted to make. Also, missing my family and starting to be drained by not having my own bathroom or bed to sleep in: the landscape on the buses ever changing; the foreigner’s faces constantly shifting as I found myself caring less and less of those I met as I merely wanted to be home. The way I explain it, it practically makes sense I gave up Australia’s spectacular beaches, amazing food, and lightheartedness to be back in the country I only truly know.
My arrival was on Valentine’s Day weekend. I arrived knowing I had a built-in boyfriend. I arrived knowing I was going to start all over again and it was going to go my way. It almost doesn’t seem fair that I was able to build a life from scratch and to live wherever I wanted. The thing is, it was the choices I made way prior that allowed me these luxuries. When writing that entry my journal, it was my written promise that I would attempt to be happy, attempt to live differently and become different because I went too far and went through too much to make my life the same.
A year to the day of my return, I am happy to report my life is extremely different. The person I was before I left for China is significantly altered than I ever imagined. A person who knows the meaning of being a team player: not just at my job but in my relationship and the ones around me who I impact. The person who was attached to the slightest discomfort and confrontation, now struts on with little resistance and concern. It is hard to pinpoint whether it is my newfound attitude or the man in my life that has exuded the soft boldness and brashness. Considering it, it is both. I have an appreciation for my life and myself I didn’t have in this scope before as well as a man who has adapted me to my true demeanor: one that is sweet, kind, diplomatic, thoughtful, and helpful. In all, it doesn’t matter. What matters is, a year after my impromptu return, I am doing better than ever. I have moved a few times, encountered setbacks, and lost friendships along the way. Despite that, I am happy…finally. I know what and who is important.
I have mentioned this before and it is worth mentioning again: China may have been a negative experience in a majority of aspects, however, it was the best position I put myself in. Without it, I couldn’t have done Australia the way I did it. I couldn’t love the way I do. And I couldn’t be appreciative in the same way I am. A year ago, my life was wide open and I didn’t where I was going to go. Now, I am a year in my relationship, a year in a new city, and almost a year in a new job. Until you give something/someone a fair chance, how can you know where it will take you? I also could have returned with my former attitude and temperament, but I chose not to. Martha Washington said it best, “I’ve learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our disposition and not on our circumstances.”
Take it all away from me, and I will be happy. I will accept no less. Not anymore.
Futurestance
January 3, 2012
“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” –Wayne Dyer
In the beginning of the 20th century, life was significantly different. The commercialization of the automobile had merely begun, the Wright Brothers invented the first gas-powered airplane, and motorized cameras were invented. With each passing year, the simplicity of lifestyle increased while the challenges of it decreased. By the turn of the 21tst century, Apple products rule our world, faster, environment-friendly automobiles are the norm, and the speed and accessibility of the Internet is expected.
There is a tendency to mention the most recent past and how different things were. How uncomplicated they were. The future is mentioned with hesitance and resistance because we don’t know how the future will be. In our culture, the intrigue of post-apocalypse storylines whether in movies, books or news, is in a manner, unexplainable. It is as if we are attempting to answer what happens in the afterlife.
With the introduction of inventions and the manner of how decades have changed, the future seems more subtle changing than blatant. It seems to be the most conducive way to change our world to unrecognizable. In the best-selling book, The Hunger Games, the life the characters only know and recognize, is utterly different from what we know and experience. The life of fighting for your life in a deadly competition that only one wins. This could be why it fascinates us. This could be why it compels us. We are compelled to understand the post-apocalyptic world we are subtly seeing–the poor who are starving and suffering; the rich who appear to possess the empowered life. Does it compel us because we are seeing our world mold into this? Where there is no longer a middle class? Where we are struggling to feed ourselves and our children? I am not completely sure. However, I do know that what options and advancements are available to us is better than it was even in the 1980’s and where our potential is infinite.
It is not legitimate to say that life was better before or legitimate to say life is better now. Technology and resources are constantly changing and forever will. There is no guarantee of what will happen tomorrow, so concentrate on today.
The Friendship Stalk
November 29, 2011
I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar. –Robert Brault
When it comes to friendship, I haven’t considered myself an expert. I am not the kind of person who has been inseparable from my best friend. I am not the kind of person who has that one friend who knows most things about me and we whisper secrets to each other.
As a child and a teenager, I steered in that direction. I had friends where I used to spend every school afternoon at their house, spend weeks of my school vacation at their house, talk on the phone everyday and late at night, and gossip and giggle over the girls we didn’t like. To be honest, I had a new best friend every year. There were fall outs with some or growing distance between others. When I started to attend a university, this is when I stopped having “best” friends. First of all, I moved to a city where I only really knew my sister. Second, college, for me, was more of a place for group socialization than individual friendships. Third, due to the falling outs that occurred prior, best female friends left bitterness. It is not to say, I didn’t have best friends, but they began to consist of males; guys who taught me how they view friendship and relationships. Besides, I didn’t need a best friend—I had my sister. My theory is every person seeks out a best friend. If you have a same sex sibling, and you are close, you won’t seek it as much. If you have an opposite sex sibling and you are close, you will seek out a same sex best friend. Also, from my observation, the older we get, people already have best friends from years before; they aren’t in need of another one, so it is difficult to foster close friendships.
After college, close female friendships began to develop again to where I did have those girls I went to parties with, talked all night with, watched silly movies with, called on the phone every week, and cried with. Then…I left for China. It was at that point, my friendships completely changed shift. The lack of accessibility for phone calls while I lived in China and traveled through Australia, big part to do with that.
Since my return, I am still not making those weekly phone calls even though I felt justifiably busy a year ago too. I am not making the connection on social media sites like I used to, and I am not setting up events like I enjoyed. Yes, residing in a different city can affect that. However, maybe the distance and lack of communication, assists with not making the connection. As women, proximity and bonding play a big role in friendship versus men who can hang out together one night, barely speaking, and remain best friends. Similarly, as a relationship consists of passion for one another, so does friendship for example, the passion to want and make the time to connect; the passion to want to know everything about each other. Now, my priorities have changed. The entertainment of going out drinking and meeting people, is not my scene. My preference is to drink a glass of wine and talk with small groups of people or watch movies. It can make it complicated when your friends are into going out compared to staying in or they live far away. Where I stand at this point, is my friends and I know there is love and concern for one another although the passion has fizzled but not respect or laughter–similar to a relationship.
Hmm. I wonder if she’ll call…
Thanks Giving
November 24, 2011
It has been almost two months since I have written a blog. Besides the hectic task of moving, working, and becoming acclimated to my new city, there is no reason for it. Since it is Thanksgiving today, I wanted to make sure to write my blessings and show my appreciation as my life is dramatically different from last year’s Thanksgiving blog. When writing that blog, I was isolated from people and the things I loved, so to express my appreciation for the simplest things seemed necessary. A year later, that feeling hasn’t changed. My emotions and my experiences haven’t changed at all since that time. If anything, I am more cognizant of it as life events occur.
I am thankful for my wonderful, supportive family who stands by me and my decisions.
I am thankful for the wonderful, supportive family of my boyfriend who have helped me feel welcome and loved on Thanksgiving and in the past.
I am thankful for my amazing,, caring boyfriend who is everything I asked for and more and shows me that love does exist.
I am thankful that my sister is my best friend.
I am thankful for my health.
I am thankful for the health and strength of my family
I am thankful for my job, which is closely aligned to what I have wanted to do and I am skilled at.
I am thankful to have a job that affords me my expenses and a comfortable lifestyle.
I am thankful for my friends who have stood by me despite many changes and been there when I needed them.
I am thankful to the new friends I have met and bonded with since I moved to my new city and proved themselves trustworthy and positive.
I am thankful for my home that makes me feel cozy and is close to proximity to excitement.
I am thankful for my vehicle that not only gets to where I need to be but looks good while doing so.
I am thankful to able to afford my vast assortment of clothing in different sytles and clolors that no matter how much I give away, they seem to breed onto each other.
I am thankful for my taste buds wanting to eat nutritious food.
I am thankful for living in a state where I don’t have to shovel snow three months out of the year.
I am thankful that I am able to take walks down trails and beaches.
I am thankful for sunsets that take my breath away.
I am thankful to be capable of reading books that make me laugh and/or make me cry.
I am thankful for books.
I am thankful that I have the opportunity to attend graduate school for my well-being.
I am thankful that I was and am able to take trips to countries around the world.
I am thankful for the fresh air I can breathe and the sun that beats down my back which influences me to want to be outside.
I am thankful for food that satisfies me.
I am thankful for the individuals in the world who have good hearts and good intentions.
I am thankful for morality.
I am thankful for not having to use medical insurance.
I am thankful for being able to hear music that elevates and empowers me.
I am thankful that music exists in order to elevate and empower me.
I am thankful for the employees who work on Thanksgiving because we need and appreciate you.
In conclusion, what am I not thankful for? I wake up every day with appreciation for the blessings of my life and my loved ones. Whether or not, you have all these things yourself, life was meant to be enjoyed and savored. I know what I didn’t have, so this is why I express my appreciation as often as I can–especially on the day of thanks. With this being written, thanks once again for the amazing bounty of my life and making 2011 the best year yet. I can’t wait for what is next.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!